my table top right now
When I started this blog I had more then enough to say. I had lots of little lines and whippets of secrets. I was making changes in my life and desperately wanting to leave work behind I didn't feel for anymore.
This little blog helped me do it. I started to scribe thoughts, desires, wishes, intentions. And slowly but surely they began to come true and show up in my life. And in between all that lots of other things have come up and reared their head, things that need to be dealt with and can't be left. Times when it feels like things have been going swimmingly well and times when it feels the shit has hit the fan again. The ebb and the flow I guess, that everyone has.
At times now I feel a little stuck. Things go on in my life 'behind the closed doors of my blog', some I long to share and then the moment passes because my time is so caught up with a myriad of things and obligations, whilst other times it feels like what I'm doing is soo boring that no-one would ever want to know!
I want to make my blog interesting to you. The thought processes and creative endeavours of an artist, a parent artist at that. One who doesn't mind sharing the ups and downs of life, although sometimes then has sleepless nights about what she's shared because people I know read my blog ;) Other times I'm fiercely private and you will never know the secrets I do not spill that shape my life, me and my existence - and some have been so painful, but yet they spur me on to make my 'life' work where at times it feels like it isn't working.
Right now I'm going to share some things with you that I wish for and intend to carve out in my existence somehow.
- my son getting in to a good school, one that will support him with his AS and meet his needs as we get ready for secondary school
- the time has come to really address the fact I need to buy my property from my ex - this has got to be one of the biggest challenges given I am a) lone parent of child with additional needs b) on an artists income but I am determined to find a way to buy the home I live in now
- I wish, dream and intend to write a book. I've mentioned it before, I've even started it. Yes, started it! But then it can lie there for days untouched like a forlorn child because other demands on my time take precedence, but again, I can feel determination set in
- I choose to get help and support with my small creative business. There are times when admin becomes too much and the many different hats I wear vie for attention
- I intend to do art work that is meaningful and connects. Somehow working in isolation on things that may or may not 'work' challenge me - and probably every artist - as it's an isolating business. I enjoy the connection with others, the work that touches and means something. Sometimes I don't even know if it can be called 'art' - it's just life, work, what one feels compelled to do they should do.
I read a story recently about Buckminster Fuller and how when his daughter died he felt like ending his life but at his lost point felt an intuitive direction 'come' to him, spurring him to dedicate his life to work that would benefit others and that is the Buckminster Fuller and his life's work that we know today. I'm not sure where I read this and if anyone knows, please let me know....
I feel drawn to doing work that connects with others, that serves in some way. And whilst I get caught up inside about whether that's the 'right' thing or not, or 'right' for me or how it fits in with my own practice, I feel it's best to just start doing, see what emerges, try experimenting, and like a child, not worry about the final outcome and what it's for. Just get on and do what one is being urged to do by inner callings. This is hard isn't it?
However, I'm here, I've got this far. Things have worked, and now the next stages need building, I can feel it.
I've thought about opening an online experimental art academy - another bubble of a thought travelling out in to the ether - sharing all I know, giving practical resources, sharing solutions to issues I've come up against as an artist and creating a space for creative like-minded people to gather and share. Is there anything you would be interested in having provided for you if I was to do this?
I also feel that the urge to make small artist's books and works means a shop might come back to the blog. I enjoy making things I can post off in to the world that others can enjoy interacting with too.
And now, whilst I have a week (well, 5 days) without my son to care for, I'm going to go to the table and MAKE SOME work even though I don't know what will appear, I'm going to go and 'show up' at the very least.
And so I leave you with some things that inspire me right now:
I will show you some bits I've been working on soon.....